Our Hope for Isabelle
Our Hope for Isabelle: Grieving with Joy and Hope for Eternity Through Infant Loss
By: Elizabeth & Taylor Bloomquist
“The world cannot define your child’s worth.”
Elizabeth and Taylor Bloomquist have written this book to share their heart-breaking yet hope-filled journey through the pregnancy and birth of their daughter, Isabelle, who was diagnosed with Trisomy-18.
The God-thing about this book is that the Bloomquists reached out to me via my website to see if I would be willing to read their book and write a review just days after my friend shared with me their own Trisomy-18 diagnosis.
Trisomy-18 is a life-limiting genetic abnormality that I had never heard of before this.
I knew I was supposed to read this book and connect my friend, her husband, and parents to the Bloomquists’ story.
Because not only are Taylor & Elizabeth transparent about their grief and honest about their thoughts and feelings, they offer hope in an impossible time. Hope we all desperately need and the only hope that will ultimately heal our hearts.
Trisomy-18 (also known as Edwards Syndrome) is a genetic condition in which the baby has an extra chromosome 18. It is very rare— fewer than 20,000 cases occur a year. Babies with this diagnosis usually have birth defects in their organs— heart and lungs— that are life-threatening. Only 5-10% of babies born with Trisomy-18 will survive beyond a year.
As the Bloomquists went through their grief journey they struggled with how to grieve with each other, especially when they needed different things. Add to that, most existing books on infant loss tend to be geared more for the mother than the father.
I love that this book is written for a couple to read together. Taylor and Elizabeth go back and forth throughout the book sharing what did or did not help.
They give examples of how husbands can love their wives during this time and how wives can love their husbands. They provide questions at the end of each chapter to help couples communicate when they’re not sure where to start.
Having gone through my own infant loss— though we miscarried our baby early in pregnancy— I wish we would have had a book like this. I think it would have helped us tremendously.
From my grief journey I remember feeling resistant to most things people tried to encourage me with. I felt like people didn’t really understand what I was going through. I was mad and bitter and questioning God’s love. I knew ‘’all the answers’ but my heart didn’t feel the goodness of them.
While I have had many years of processing and growing in my faith since then, I think I would have been open to this book at that time. The writing voices they have are so gentle and compassionate. Plus you know they understand grief.
What they say does not feel trite. It feels like they are walking with you, acknowledging the pain but pleading with us to choose trust.
Elizabeth says,
“I had to believe this pain had a purpose. My choices were to either believe and trust in the goodness of God and rest in his promises knowing he was preparing this for me for a purpose, or I could run away and be angry and bitter about this tragedy. Led by the Spirit, we chose to trust in the goodness of God.”
We may not like it, but there really are only two choices. We either choose to trust or we don’t. That doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there. It doesn’t mean we have to feel happy all the time, but choosing to trust means that we believe God won’t waste our pain and we’re willing to wait and rest on him.
“The whole Bible is full of hurt and broken people called near to God through his steadfast love and compassion for us. He can be trusted to be good, he can be trusted to be gracious, he can be trusted to be merciful, he can be trusted to be compassionate, and he can be trusted to heal your wounds and your broken heart. He knows all your pain and suffering and wants you to come and dwell under the refuge of his love and peace.” (Isa 54:10)
God has never promised us a grief-less, painless life. In fact he promised the opposite. But we have hundreds of pages of evidence in Scripture that he is faithful, loving, and can be trusted to sustain and restore.
The Gospel is central to any discussion of pain and hurt and I’m glad the Bloomquists share it so tenderly.
“[The gospel] is excellent news for those of us who grieve. Not only can we be united with the Father for eternity, but he died to redeem all of the dark things in your heart you didn’t know you could feel because of grief. He died for your anger, your bitterness, your hatred. He died for your weaknesses and disappointments. He came to redeem you from a life spent in misery and sin to a life spent joyfully knowing the goodness of God… He conquered death and the grave so you and I, and our babies, could live with him for eternity.”
That is a beautiful thought. Even though I miss the baby I never got to hold, I know, as David knew in the Psalms, that I will be with my baby again in a better place and in a better way. I don’t have to understand why it’s not now, but I can trust in the One that reigns over all and loves my baby and me more than I could ever hope to dream.
One thing that I think is really important about their story is the fact that almost 80% of all pregnancies with this diagnosis are electively terminated.
“Unbeknownst to us, not only did this statistic exist, but it would grow to be the primary focus on our seemingly two-step path: confirmation and termination with little room for anything else.”
Knowing about some of the conversations my friend has had with her doctors, it is clear that many medical professionals recommend termination or ask at every single appointment if you would like to terminate.
But as the Bloomquists reiterate:
“The world cannot define your child’s worth.”
We are in a time where we may have to fight for the life of our children when no one else will.
Obviously there are a lot of factors to consider— especially the safety of the mom— but Elizabeth and Taylor’s story shows us the beauty of life even if it’s only a few days.
They were able to hold Isabelle. Kiss her. Sing to her. Share the Gospel with her! What a precious time!
It is not an easy decision. It is not an easy journey. There is grace for it all.
And there is plenty of grace for the situation that results in a termination. Nothing can separate us from the love of God.
It resonated with me when Elizabeth said this:
“Pregnancy is sanctifying and it will always be. It is a battle fought spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. It is an act of submission to our Master Creator. We are but vessels, and he is the molder, maker, and sustainer of life.”
This is so true. Being pregnant and having children is such a normal thing. But to see it as sanctifying— that is a new perspective. As moms, we know the sacrifice in so many ways. And as we struggle through each phase of our own journey we can know that God is there through it all and we are being refined and made to look more and more like Him.
Recommendation
I definitely recommend this book for anyone who has experienced or is currently going through an infant loss. I especially recommend this for couples.
It’s short. It’s tender. It’s understanding. It’s hopeful. It’s helpful.
They provide some good advice on how to put good boundaries on grief to avoid self-destruction and how to handle certain situations that may come up like: How do I talk to my other kids about this? Can I show pictures of my deceased child? How do I handle my grief at work? and more.
Additionally, there is a great list of resources in the back of other books to read (two of which were already on my TBR list), and a list of informative websites, resources, and organizations.
I am thankful they have decided to share their story and connect grieving parents to hope when their hearts have shattered. Grief can be paralyzing and we can’t go through it by ourselves. We need resources like this to help guide us. We need a local community to help support us. And we need the Holy Spirit to help us endure it.
“We do not move on, but rather move forward.”
And of course, our best weapon against the despair and darkness of loss is storing God’s Word in our hearts:
“I believe the Word of God is the best source of comfort and the best tool to use against the Enemy when doubt and fear attack and threaten to gain a foothold. Ephesians 6:17 explains the sword of the Spirit is the Word of God. This is powerful imagery. Use the Word of God as a sword to defend yourself and to attack the thoughts and temptations that come your way. It is the most effective method in slaying the darkness.”
[Sidenote: This is not an exhaustive book on processing grief and understanding God through our pain. I’ve read several on this topic that I would also recommend in addition to this one. You can find them at THIS LINK.]
**Received a copy of this book from the author in exchange for an honest review**
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