Men and Women in the Church
Men and Women in the Church: A Short, Biblical, Practical Introduction
By: Kevin DeYoung
“Like any biblical teaching, the truths about men and women can be misapplied, mishandled, or used as an excuse to mistreat others. This danger is especially poignant when the truths in question affirm the man as leader and head and the woman as helper and nurturer. The biblical pattern of male leadership is never an excuse for ignoring women, belittling women, overlooking the contributions of women, or abusing women in any way. The truest form of biblical complementarity calls on men to protect women, honor women, speak kindly and thoughtfully to women, and to find every appropriate way to learn from them and include them in life and in ministry— in the home and in the church.”
I have been avoiding writing this review.
I have loved every one of Kevin DeYoung’s books that I have read. However this one left me with a vague sense of dissatisfaction that I can’t put my finger on. There was nothing that I read that I necessarily disagreed with— it all seemed very thoughtful and sound.
My first impulse is to describe the dissatisfaction as part disappointment in what was left unsaid and part a general sense of feeling out of my element a bit, unqualified to evaluate it.
So my review may wander a bit as I parse through my thoughts. I may come back and update it as I discuss this book with others and hone in on what I think.
After reading Wayne Grudem’s book, Evangelical Feminism, three years ago, I feel I came away with a more solid understanding then than when I finished this. So maybe it would behoove you to read both! They agree theologically. Grudem’s book focuses more on how certain interpretations of these disputed verses undermines the authority of Scripture and leads you down a dangerous path of liberalism. DeYoung’s book is a simpler take and does not do as much comparing of egalitarian vs complementarian views..
My posture in reading this book is, I’m sure, different than a lot of readers. I was not coming with questions, doubts, or experiences of hurt, abuse, or suppression. I don’t feel a calling to something that I’m told I can’t do. The prominent men in my life have always been loving, sacrificial, supportive, and held my opinion in high regard. The churches that I’ve been part of have not, to my knowledge, belittled women, deemed them incapable, or ignored them—they’ve always respected women and included them in many different forms of ministry.
I recognize that that is not everyone’s story.
I appreciate that Kevin DeYoung implores us to keep this mind: “We should all be aware that we tend to assume our experiences are normative and the divergent experiences of others are exceptional. This should make us quick to sympathize and slow to accuse.”
To approach this subject, we must have a posture of listening and understanding and not of accusation or condescension.
DeYoung’s purpose in writing this book was to address a very relevant topic and provide a practical resource for the layperson. An intentionally (nonthreatening) short, concise, palatable book about men and women’s roles in the church that people in his congregation would actually read. To the ‘short’ and ‘biblical’ I think he succeeded. The ‘practical’ or ‘applicable’ part is possibly what I feel is lacking and could have been more robust.
DeYoung does much exegetical analysis of key ‘debated’ passages of Scripture that inform our understanding of men’s and women’s role in the church. (Worth noting here that this book is specifically in regards to church and ministry (some marriage), not work or social environments.) These passages are his chapter divisions in Part 1 and include Genesis 1-3, Old Testament survey, Jesus and the Gospels, 1 Cor 11:2-16; 14:33-35, Eph 5:22-23, 1 Tim 2:8-15, and 1 Tim 3:1-13.
In Part II he answers common objections like “you are all one in Christ Jesus,” “submitting to one another,” slavery, women like Deborah, Phoebe, and Priscilla, and handling women’s callings. He also goes into detail about the differences between overseers, pastors, and deacons.
A lot of his exegesis and discussion of the original language, grammar used, etc was a bit overwhelming to me at times. He always gave a clear conclusion but some of his process felt muddled. (I think Grudem handled this a bit better) Also, I think if I was coming at this with a prior stance, argument, or question I may have absorbed and contemplated these differently.
A lot of the objections or interpretations he addressed were some I had never even heard of before, and so I found myself not spending too much time fully grasping all of his exegesis. I didn’t realize there were such different ‘tiers’ of complementarianism. It’s quite possible Grudem acknowledged them, but after 3 years I just didn’t remember them.
Hence I feel somewhat unqualified to review this. Several reviewers have commended his critique of ESS— which I don’t even know what that is!
So my opinion of this book might not be that valuable if the doctrine of men and women’s roles in the church is something you’ve done a lot of study on and are well-versed in all the facets.
Though some of it seemed more confusing than clarifying, there were a lot of things that stuck out to me as good and helpful.
For one, DeYoung is very clear that the Bible teaches that men and women have different roles but their worth is the same. God didn’t arbitrarily choose these roles. And he didn’t assign teaching to men because women are incapable or unstable. I think in our culture it’s hard for us to accept that. In our minds roles are assigned by competency. And if we can do the job better than someone else, it should be our job for the taking. But that’s our culture, not God’s design for the church. Just because God has designed teaching and ministerial headship to men does not mean he thinks we are unable to do any of it. And that doesn't mean all men are qualified to teach either. The Bible's job description for pastors excludes incompetent and domineering men.
DeYoung runs through most of Scripture showing us all the passages that place women in high-esteem. How Jesus’s countercultural interactions with women show how he saw them, cared for them, and valued them.
“Jesus never ‘put women in their place,’ but neither did he try to dislodge men from theirs. Jesus takes a back seat to no one in being pro-woman. And yet his being pro-woman never necessitated being anti-men or against sexual differentiation.”
The concept of willing submission and sacrificial loving and leading pervades every chapter of this book. This relationship is essential in understanding biblical gender roles. It is a picture of Jesus’ own submission to the Father and his sacrifice done out of love. It is easy to submit to authority that puts your needs ahead of their own.
God has reserved for women a unique ability to bring life into the world. I think a lot of feminists today push back against childbearing and feel like women are ‘reduced to’ having babies and that’s it. But could it be that instead of trying to ‘elevate’ women to doing men’s ‘jobs’ we have demeaned the elite role of bearing life that we already have. To carry and deliver a baby into the world is not insignificant; it is not a reduction. And to be sure, women are more than childbearers, and our worth is not attached to our wombs, but we can’t downplay the role God has given women in designing our bodies for life.
“A woman’s worth is not tied to the children she has or her ability to have any children at all. We’ve seen all sorts of ways women in the Old Testament serve God and save God’s people from harm. And yet there is a unique God-given purpose that women find in bearing and caring for children.”
I love the example DeYoung pointed out about the story of Moses, one of the most prominent figures in the Old Testament: The midwives save him from death, his mother fashions a basket and puts him in the river, his sister watches over the basket and when Pharaoh’s daughter raises him as her own, his sister offers Moses’ mother as a wet nurse. “This great narrative of God’s paradigmatic redemptive work has been moved forward by women, and specifically by women looking after children. (And only one was the birth mother)”
Unfortunately, sin’s curse has affected this realm for women, just as sin has affected the men’s realm in leading. Not all women can or do bear children. But the Bible, and this book, both show many other ways that women can still, in obedience to God, do significant ministry outside of being a biological mother.
When we push back on God’s design for women, what is our motive? Do we feel undervalued and unappreciated? Do we want what the men have? Do we not think our God-given role is important or impactful enough? To really search our hearts and answer these questions is not easy.
But it’s worth pondering that maybe we need to change our perspective of different roles from seeing lack in what God has given us and instead see the worth. Both men and women represent the image and character of God. Men alone cannot express all of who God is and neither can women. But each gender has specific characteristics and roles that work together to image God and I’m thankful that God has expressed both distinct genders as valuable and necessary.
“Let’s not make the heartbeat of our message, ‘Women, sit down,’ when it should be ‘Men, stand up.’”
I thought this was an important theme in this book as well. DeYoung calls men out for passivity. That a lot of times when women are functioning in the church like men that it is not out of an attitude of rebellion but because the men did not step up to do it. He mentions several times that it’s not so much what women can’t do as much as it is what men should do.
Another aspect he briefly mentions is the biblical passages addressing appearance. That men should look like men and women should look like women. This is tricky in application when cultural differences are considered. He clarifies that these verses are not a prescription on hair length, clothing, and jewelry, but that in your own cultural context, men and women should be differentiated in appearance. God could have created humans however he wanted and he chose to create a gender binary of men and women. Gender difference is his design.
This is an offensive position to a lot of people today. There is much to be said and discussed in such a sensitive area and this book (intentionally) does not try to address it all here. There are other books that would do a better job on LGBTQ topics.
But I found this acronym useful that he has created to explain to his kids what godliness looks like as a girl or a boy:
Appearance (1 Cor 11:6, 13-15)… clear that stereotypes are not our standards and we must be thoughtful about this in practice, but, for example, transgender and drag would both fall outside of God’s design for gender appearance
Body (Lev 18:22)… our bodies were designed to fulfill the creational mandate of multiplying and filling the earth, to do otherwise would be rebelling against the Creator’s order
Character (1 Pt 3:1-7)… he gives men the crown of true strength and women the crown of true beauty (with clarifications on what those mean in anticipation of typical counters to this)
Demeanor (1 Thess 2:7-8, 11-12)… everyone has a unique personality but generally speaking women are known for affection and gentleness and men for exhortation and charge
Eager Posture (Gen 2:18)… willing to be led or willing to lead sacrificially
One thing I’ve needed to recognize is that I believe there has been some cultural conditioning for women to associate a certain feeling with some commonly used words when talking about gender roles. Some of these buzzwords you will find in this book are: submissive, quiet, obedience, helper. These are not bad words. But it’s hard not to feel a little trigger of defensiveness or indignation when we hear them. That does not mean we should, but with so much pushback on traditional gender roles, we can’t help but be influenced by our culture’s hatred for these words.
Even though I agree with DeYoung’s stance on it all, I could still feel myself react to these words at times. I can’t let that dictate to me what is true but allow the Bible to be my authority even when the culture wants me to be outraged. What they think ‘submissive’ is, does not square with the biblical context and the sacrificial headship it is partnered with. The same goes for the other words—quiet and helper are not what our first impression of these words are. The biblical context is essential.
The most confusing part of this book for me was his chapter called Of Heads and Hair. I don’t know if it was just that he wrote it in a confusing way or if it felt like he was overcomplicating what seemed simple to me or what, but I didn’t find that to be the most clarifying chapter. The most important part I gathered from this chapter was that it was not about having long hair or a physical head covering to qualify a woman to be able to pray in church. But I wasn’t super clear on what it actually did mean today.
I wish he would have given more examples of what he believes is a biblical way for women to speak publicly in front of men or biblical ways that men can learn from women. For example, is it biblical for men to read theological books written by women? I realize there are a lot of nuances or factors to consider in day-to-day decisions on biblical roles, but I felt like I wanted some sort of chart or list of do’s and don’ts.
To be fair, he did list a whole bunch of things women can do but several reviewers have noted his inclusion of ‘sewing curtains’ to be a bit out of touch.
There were several places he talked specifically about/to women but did not offer the equivalent of the ‘man’ side of the topic and vice versa. I think there was a lot more that could have been said in certain areas but I know that he was trying to keep the book short.
IN SUMMATION:
I’m still processing everything but…
It’s a valuable read and a good introduction as it is properly subtitled, but a full study of gender roles would require further reading (see below for references).
It’s hard to do justice to a book in a short review. I’m assuming many of you reading this were upset by things I’ve said or related here. It is a topic that benefits from defining words, clarifying meanings, and acknowledging tricky applications. I can’t disclose everything here that DeYoung did in his book. Don’t judge his arguments based on what I’ve presented to you.
Especially considering my ‘unnamed dissatisfaction’ I would encourage you to read this and Grudem’s book for yourself and give yourself access to all the same information I had in writing this. I do not claim to have authority or specialized knowledge of this and would not want to lead you astray.
I don’t think this is the best book you could read about men and women in the church, but I don’t think you will find anything unbiblical here.
Some quotes:
“The one feature of human existence that shapes life as much or more than any other—our biological sex—was God’s choice.”
“We should not equate male leadership with female passivity.”
“Most of the positive and negative examples of women in the Old Testament are positive or negative based on how they influenced men for good or for evil.”
“What we can say from verse 3— and this is all we really need to say— is that headship does not have to be harsh (for God is the head of Christ) and to be under the headship of another does not have to be demeaning (for Christ is under the headship of God).” (1 Cor 11:3)
“His plan is for a watching world to look at husband and wife and see such gentle, joyful submission and such self-denying, loving leadership that it gets a picture of the beauty that is the relationship between Christ and his church. Nothing less than God’s full glory is at stake.”
“Though a call may be honestly felt, making such an appeal the decisive factor is dangerously subjective. I have no problem with people referring to their vocation, pastoral or otherwise, as a ‘calling’ if by the term they simply mean to acknowledge a spiritual purpose in their word. But as a decision-making tool, trying to discern one’s ‘calling’ by internal feelings and impressions is an unsure guide. God’s objective revelation in Scripture must have priority over our subjective understanding of God's will for our lives.”
An inconsequential sidenote: I read an advanced reader’s copy and was assured that all spelling and grammatical errors would be corrected in the published copy. But the use of ‘woman’ for ‘women’ and vice versa is one of my greatest spelling error pet peeves and it occurred quite frequently. So let’s hope their editor finds all of them!!!
**Received an ARC via Amazon**
Further Reading:
Evangelical Feminism: A New Path to Liberalism? by Wayne Grudem
Designed for Joy: How the Gospel Impacts Men and Women, Identity and Practice by Strachan, Owen (& Jonathan Parnell)
a(Typical) Woman: Free, Whole, and Called in Christ by Abigail Dodds
Three books Kevin DeYoung recommended in this book that I have not read yet:
God’s Design for Man and Woman by Andreas and Margaret Kostenberger
God’s Design for Women by Sharon James
God’s Good Design by Clair Smith
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