Resisting Gossip
Resisting Gossip: Winning the War of the Wagging Tongue
By: Matthew C. Mitchell
“The problem is not that we love stories but that we can love stories too much, and, especially, we can love the wrong stories.”
This is a good book reminding us of the ways we may mask or justify our gossip and exposes the evils of gossip.
It would be a good book to do in a small group and also a great resource for pastors. Mitchell is an EFCA pastor with credentials from Moody, Trinity Evangelical Divinity School, and Westminster Theological Seminary and serves as the book review coordinator for EFCA Today.
Pastors will especially appreciate the bonus chapter called: “Cultivating a Gossip-Resistant Church” which details ways pastors can lead their congregation in how they relate to each other.
Resisting Gossip is just shy of 200 pages. I didn’t find it earth-shattering or even profound, but it is surely practical and probably more necessary than we’d like to admit.
Mitchell gives us five categories of gossipers:
The Spy (finding dirt on someone to use to your own advantage)
The Grumbler (complaining and criticizing… often masked as ‘venting’)
The Backstabber (motivated by revenge)
The Chameleon (trying to fit into a group; motivated by fear of being excluded)
The Busybody (escaping boredom; seeking entertainment; living vicariously through others’ stories)
You may not fall into all of these categories, but chances are, if you’re like me, you’ve done at least one or two, even if you didn’t realize it.
Dividing his book into four parts, Mitchell seeks to help us Recognize gossip (are we doing it?), Resist gossip (can we avoid it?), Respond to gossip (are we experiencing it?), and Regret gossip (are we sorry for it?)— the last one referring to God’s forgiveness for people repenting of gossip.
I liked how he uses Ephesians 4:25-29. Sometimes we focus on ‘stopping’ a certain behavior and forget about what we are actively pursuing.
He says this:
“Overcoming gossip is not just about what not to do but what to do…
Put off lying. Put on truth-speaking. (4:25)
Put off sinful anger. Put on peacemaking (4:26-27)
Put off stealing. Put on generosity (4:28)
Put off gossip. Put on up-building speech (4:29)”
Supported by Scripture throughout (a lot of Proverbs) with an emphasis on the gospel message of sin, forgiveness, and the help of the Holy Spirit, this book is biblical, practical, and encouraging.
Gossip is one of those things that is often hard to pin down. We have a lot of ways to rationalize what we listen to or what we say to others. We may disguise it as seeking advice, asking for prayer, or any other myriad of excuses, but when it comes down to it, this is the definition of gossip:
“the sin of gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.”
It is also “sharing someone else’s secret.”
It’s strange to say, but he tells us that not all gossip is sinful. We have to look at our hearts.
“Our sinful motivations for speaking about or listening to any form of bad news are what makes gossip sinful. Therefore, in recognizing gossip the most important question for us to answer is, ‘Why am I saying, listening to, or attracted to this?’”
Mitchell advises that most, if not all, gossip includes the sin of judging others.
“The spy tries to get people to feel judgmental enough to wrangle a secret out of them. The grumbler has decided in his heart that the person he is talking about is clearly wrong and exits a complaint, at least, and probably a much stronger denunciation. The backstabber is certain of her judgment and knows that her target deserves the retaliation that is on the way. The chameleon listens in on the judgments of others and does not speak up for fear of reprisal. The busybody escapes from boredom by issuing entertaining but condemning judgments about other people to his or her friends. Busybodies snicker at those they judge to be ‘the stupid people.’”
Much of this book requires honest reflection and willingness to consider changing the ways we talk to or about people. Is it really right or necessary for us to say the things we do? What is our true motivation?
Some ‘secrets’ are hard to keep, but when we see the ways relationships can be hurt and sometimes lives completely ruined by gossip, hopefully we can find strength from the Holy Spirit to hold our tongues.
As I mentioned, it is meant to be used as a tool for groups, churches, or church leaders to help navigate the complicated waters of gossip. There are discussion questions at the end of each chapter.
It is a pretty short book so I don’t know if it would make much sense to only take a chapter at a time. I would recommend either reading the entire book before coming together to discuss, or reading it in its four parts (as listed above).
It’s a quick read and worth it even if it’s something you think you know already. We all know gossip is bad, but don’t we all think we’re above gossiping because we know it’s wrong? We wouldn’t call ourselves gossipers. But do our words and actions line up?
“We have seen throughout this book how the gospel defeats gossip. As individuals, the gospel empowers us to resist gossip’s lure and gives us the ability to love instead. The gospel also covers us with grace when we have failed.”
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