A Change of Affection
A Change of Affection: A Gay Man’s Incredible Story of Redemption
By: Becket Cook
[Fulfilled ‘A book with a cover you don’t like’ prompt as part of Shelf Reflection’s 2023 Reading Challenge… also I don’t have strong feelings about the cover, it just didn’t feel engaging for the type of story it is; when it comes to memoirs I prefer a picture of the author on the front]
“It wasn’t about simply changing my mind, but about changing my mind and heart. I can’t explain all the mechanics of this radical transformation. I just know that no one can be in the very presence of the living God and remain the same.”
Becket Cook, born in conservative Dallas in a large, wealthy, Catholic family, headed west and ran in some elite circles of Hollywood doing set design and living an unapologetic, gay lifestyle.
This was his attitude as he went to parties and photoshoots and lived his dream life:
“I wanted everyone to be free to be who they were with wild abandon and without shame, completely comfortable in their own skin. And I was furious at those in society who tried to constrain or shame others for being who they were, not least of whom were on the religious right… I wanted to see an end to this kind of intolerance and oppression. I wanted nothing less than full liberation, full inclusion, and full acceptance in the mainstream.”
His book- A Change of Affection— is not an account of ‘fixing’ his gayness. It truly is the story of redemption from a man who wanted nothing to do with God or anything Christian, yet discovered something even he couldn’t deny.
“My motivation for writing this book is not to win a debate. It is not so I could be right and you wrong. More than anything, my hope is that you will come away with a better understanding of this complex issue, from every angle, so you can make informed choices that affect eternity.”
He transparently tells us about his childhood, his coming out, his boyfriends, his career, and his feelings of discontent— there had to be something more in the world. Something that would give him more meaning and purpose than the fleeting relationships that left him empty and alone.
He shares his encounter on the streets of Hollywood with a Christian who answered his questions in a friendly conversation and invited him to church. A service he didn’t particularly want to go to:
“How could I ever consider going into a den of these foes? They think being gay is wrong. They believe who I am is a sin. I’ve felt alienated and marginalized by them my whole life. I couldn’t join that club.”
But he continued to feel compelled to go. So he went. And while he was there, he encountered God.
“Upon my conversion, God gave me a new heart and put his Spirit in me and that transformed what my heart wanted. Now my heart wants to be obedient to God, not conform to the passions of my former ignorance.”
After discovering the realness and power of God, Becket had an insatiable desire to read the Bible and listen to sermons and take in as much information as he could. He even canceled his cable subscription. It was convicting to hear his desire for God’s word because I never had a ‘conversion experience’ like him. I grew up in a Christian home and never walked away.
But my desire to hear from God through the Bible should not fade like it does. His Word is still active, powerful, and relevant. Becket’s story encourages me to pray that God would give me that thirst for his word just like Becket has. There is nothing better to be filling our minds with.
This book does not delve into all the debated Scripture passages surrounding homosexuality, but he does have a section where he answers questions he received a lot after he converted. Like:
Isn’t unfair that you have to be alone for the rest of your life?
But aren’t you born gay?
Didn’t God create you that way?
Doesn’t God want you to be happy?
Aren’t we supposed to follow our hearts and be true to ourselves?
Can you be gay and Christian?
Are you straight now?
He does a great job answering these honestly, biblically, and with grace.
He knows what it feels like to be on the other side and so he also offers some insights on how we can better interact with our loved ones or others in our church who identify themselves in the LGBTQ family.
His story (and Jackie Hill Perry’s- Gay Girl, Good God) remind us that though it’s important to be able to biblically defend your beliefs and speak truth in love, we cannot discount the power of the Holy Spirit to work in people’s lives outside of our own words and actions. Our prayers are powerful and God can do more than we could ever imagine.
It’s less about winning debates as it is about bringing people to encounter Jesus. Because like Becket said, we can’t be in the presence of the living God without being changed. It’s not our responsibility to change people.
A Matter of Identity
One of the biggest problems with homosexuality today is that it has become attached to identity. Someone’s sexuality or sexual orientation is now considered the most authentic part of themselves, the thing that makes them who they are, even the most important part of themselves. Who are they without it?
This is why the conversation around this topic becomes hostile. Because the LGBTQ community has made their sexuality their identity and core characteristic, when someone says that it is a sin, they feel attacked at a very personal level- they may feel like we are calling them sin.
But I liked how Rosaria Butterfield (who used to be a lesbian) puts it in her book, Five Lies of our Anti-Christian Age:
“You cannot have union with Christ if you have made an identity out of anything else… you do yourself great harm if you insist on holding two forms of self-representation— sexual and spiritual. Both forms of self-representation compete for the same thing: your loyalty, your heart, your sense of self, your faith.”
Our identity should be in Christ, our Creator and Savior whom we are designed to worship.
Both Becket and Rosaria are proof that sexuality does not define us and that the Holy Spirit is powerful enough to change our hearts.
Becket talks about the verse in Ephesians (4:22-23) where Paul tells us to “put off” our old selves for we are “new creations.”
“I would never call myself a gay Christian because the label ‘gay’ is part of my old self, which the apostle Paul told us to get rid of. I don’t identify with that old lifestyle anymore. I am a new creation in Christ.”
He also talks about the biblical story of the rich young ruler (Mark 10) who asked Jesus how to get eternal life. The ruler reported that he followed all the commandments. Jesus told him to go sell all he had, give to the poor, and come follow him. The ruler went away sad. He was unwilling to give up his wealth for Jesus.
The story isn’t saying money is bad. It’s saying that money was his idol. He held it higher and more important than a relationship with Christ. He could not give it up.
If our identity is in anything other than Christ, it becomes an idol. It keeps us from a life devoted to Jesus. Are we willing to die to our sin, to give it up, to take up our cross and follow Him?
“Most are not sure if He is worth the sacrifice that he requires.”
In contrast to the rich young ruler, the man in Matthew 13 found the pearl of great price in a field. He went and sold everything he had to buy that field. Jesus says the kingdom of heaven is like that— its value is worth the cost.
This is a call not just to the sin of homosexuality. It is the call to every single human who puts anything else in God’s place. To follow Christ is to sacrifice and to give up that which we think we need and trust that God is more than enough for us. He satisfies every desire we have. We need nothing but Christ.
“I felt like a new creation. I no longer felt consumed by a desire for men. God’s love was more than enough; I didn’t need or want anyone else.”
Simply Put
“My sin was this, that I looked for pleasure, beauty, and truth not in him but myself and his other creatures, and the search led me instead to pain, confusion, and error.”— Augustine
Becket experienced the same thing as Augustine. But God rescued him from a life of emptiness, pain, confusion, meaninglessness, and selfish pride. The life we all need to be rescued from.
His story of redemption is not a one-off. It’s the open invitation of the gospel. It’s for you and it’s for me.
“The overwhelming wonder of God’s infinite love is this: While I was broken and a failure, God came to rescue me. He came to love me, to redeem me, and to heal me from sin. Where I failed, Christ succeeded on my behalf. Where I distrusted, Christ was faithful. When I proudly resisted, he humbly surrendered. Through his obedience, he bridged the chasm between my darkness and his light.”
Recommendation
What I like about this book is that it’s written like a memoir. There is a place for books that discuss the relevant Scripture passages (like some that I listed below), but there is also a need for books like this that approach the subject from a very personal and transparent angle.
I think it’s a non-threatening book that can act as an introduction into considering the biblical point of view from someone who has seen Christians as the enemy but discovered something that changed his mind.
I think it also presents a humanizing point of view to Christians who are well-versed in Scripture but not in the hearts of those who struggle with same-sex attraction. It is a reminder to love, to be patient, and to pray.
Like Becket has said, it’s a complex topic with a lot of layers and experiences. The Bible is clear, but the way we bring that to people’s attention matters.
I recommend you read Becket’s story. I also recommend that you continue reading on the topic and I’ve provided a list of other books at the end of this review.
Some Other Quotes
“I have come to realize, as the Bible describes, that I deserve nothing, and yet in my brokenness Jesus came to give me everything.”
“Just as God did not create me gay, he also, for example, did not create heterosexuals with the desire to objectify women as sexual objects for selfish pleasure. We see this exemplified throughout society with rampant addiction to pornography. Neither is right simply because it exists. It is a gross misunderstanding to believe that anything that feels natural is righteous.”
“I don’t think we realize as a culture how damaging it is emotionally, not to mention physically (for example STDs) to engage in casual sex. We may think it’s no big deal, but it leads to a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering for both parties involved.”
“If you believe that homosexuality is a sin, you are immediately labeled a bigot or homophobic. It’s not even okay anymore to just agree to disagree… Somewhere in the last decade, ‘I disagree with you’ came to mean, ‘I hate you.’ Tolerance used to mean something along the lines of, ‘I disagree with your view, but I’m willing to tolerate it,’ because it wouldn’t be tolerance otherwise. Now, however, tolerance has been redefined as , ‘If you don’t affirm everything I do, then you are intolerant!’”
“Although we are not forced to bow down to a golden image, we are pressured to bow down to the great god of Public Opinion.”
“This may sound extreme, but if you aren’t truthful, you are knowingly aiding and abetting them down the path of destruction.”
Further Reading
What Does the Bible Really Teach About Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung
Five Lies of Our Anti-Christian Age by Rosaria Butterfield
Live Your Truth (and Other Lies) by Alisa Childers
The Secular Creed by Rebecca McLaughlin
Is God Anti-Gay? by Sam Allberry
What God Has to Say About Our Bodies by Sam Allberry
Born Again This Way by Rachel Gilson
For Parents:
Raising Confident Kids in a Confusing World by Ed Drew
Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality by Hilary Ferrar
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